Running The Gamut

I don't feel very much like writing today. I have a lot of thoughts racing around in my mind, but nothing stays for long. I'm not focusing, and I won't force it.

This afternoon, I had thoughts and a range of emotions about my size issues, and the health issues that are compounding the feelings of anger, and helplessness. The fact that I'm utterly dependent on another person for my safety and well being is also fucking with me pretty hard right now. I can't stand feeling out of control, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Even if I were in a different situation, I'd still be helpless, and dependent, on friends, or nurses. It's very frustrating, and I'm angry at myself for not taking better care of me, and not being disciplined enough to prevent becoming this, albeit sexy, beast.

My mental health issues, and dredging up past traumas isn't going to do me any favors either. My intuition is telling me that it's something I have to do. So I am. I thought about my step father, and how I don't hate him for the things he did to me. I forgave him a long time ago, but I still need to remember it, all of it down to the last detail. I have to remember my Kindergarten teacher, and what she did to me. I have to remember the men who I allowed to use my body, and the ones who took it. I have to remember the family members who abandoned me, abused me, and controlled me with violence, or manipulation. I have to remember my sins, for lack of a better word, for things I've done to other people, that I wouldn't have wanted done to me.

All of these things, running the gamut in my mind. I know I shouldn't judge myself, for my failures, nor my shortcomings. I shouldn't tell myself how to feel. I shouldn't blame it all on me either, but I can't blame anybody else. I'm the one who made the choices. I led me here. I am happy with who I am now. I would like to continue getting better, healthier, more disciplined, stronger, richer in spirit, and in pocket. lol I'm making those baby steps. I'm thankful that I have someone in my life who wants to do better too. He's got his own battles, but we're fighting them all together, and individually. We're doing our best not to let our personal battles fuck with our relationship. It has, recently even. We have lots in common, but not everything, and it gets hard sometimes. When you live in such close quarters with another person for so long, you tend to grind each other's nerves. lol That's been on my mind a lot too, and how to better deal with that issue.

I feel very loved, and appreciated. I've gotten a lot of support from friends, and loved ones, concerning my recent plan to blog more, and get more of my feelings out there. I am very blessed and I know it. I've had some hard battles, and have been down the depression river quite a lot over the last several years, my whole life really, and the show of support from friends always lifts my spirits.

I love all of the people in my life. I really do. If we are connected, even through a social media, blogs, anything online, or in real life, then I love you. When I see your posts, or hear from you, I feel our connection as divine. We share a soul, all of you that read this. Your spirit is reaching out to me, as mine is to you, in greeting, and comradery. We are one and I consider you a part of my soul community. So when I give you hugs, or say I love you, I mean it. I don't take the emotion of love, lightly, or with indifference to it's weight. I don't take the word for granted. I love you as we are cosmic sisters and brothers, and I thank you for sharing my journey.

I feel sorry that I haven't done more in my life. I have done what pleases me. I think that isn't a bad thing, but I do realize that it's had it's cost. If you always reach for what pleases you, then you will certainly suffer.

"Whatcha gonna do when the well runs dry, honey? Whatcha gonna do when the well runs dry, babe? Whatcha do when the well runs dry? Sit in the corner and cry, cry, cry, honey, baby mine.", sang Granddaddy. He wasn't kidding, not a bit. You can burn through some money really fast if you're not careful. You can burn through your life if you're not careful too. It all wears out eventually. Life moves on, and we leave so much of ourselves behind. Little pieces of me, are strewn all over the internet, all over the world. But, pieces of my soul are scattered through time and space. I am on a quest to retrieve it. I will dig much deeper into my psyche tomorrow. I have a few theories on why I have an attraction to the BDSM lifestyle, that is probably more sinister, and twisted than the norm. Which is why I'd never be satisfied in a typical power exchange relationship. My fantasy life isn't humanly possible.

Ok, for not knowing where to go, I sure went everywhere. I properly titled this sumbitch. Anyway, that's all I can stand today. I may post another later if I get a bee in my bonnet over something. I'm thinking about my family as well today, and saying prayers for a beloved family pet. Also sending love out to friends in need, hurting, sick, or in trouble. <3

I'm about to have to sink my head in the dirt for a while, and play a game or browse Tumblr food blogs till I have to eat lunch. I won't feed myself until I'm starving and hangry. But if I saturate myself in food tv or food pictures, it might motivate me to get up off my big arse and go get something. I'm making myself get up more when I'm hungry. I go in the kitchen fix it myself as often as I can. I was getting so dependent on him to do it, I'd get mad when he wouldn't do it right. lol He doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. If I want something my way, I have to do it. I promised myself I'd stop treating him like a servant. If I really need him for something, I ask, but if I can just roll my ass out of bed and waddle to the kitchen, fuck yeah do it.

I'm moving more, and eating some better food, not as much take out either. I'm proud of myself. I want to be stronger and healthier. I'm not dieting. I'm just changing my diet and changing me. I was once a person who could walk around everywhere without getting winded. I could run a little. I climbed stairs. I will be that healthy again. I'm strengthening my joints, and taking better care of my lungs too. Moving forward, getting better, body, mind, and spirit. I'm not patting myself on the back yet, but I'm hopeful.

Thanks for sharing with me today. You all are welcome to comment, or share a feeling of your own. Are you going through any personal stuff that you want to vent? I'm all ears. Also, questions are welcome. I'm an open book too.

Sending you all love and Candykisses!! xxoo