"I fell into a burning ring of fire,
I went down down down,
and the flames went higher,
and it burns burns burns,
the ring of fire,
the ring of fire." ~ Johnny Cash
Out of the frying pan, and into the fire. I'm burning up here. I come from a long line of violent people. I want to break something. I want to feel bones crunch under my boots. I want to whip someone till they bleed. People keep telling me to remember who I was and who I was meant to be. That person was pretty pissed off at life, and had been trying to check out since she was 11.
You want to see the real me? Do you really want to know what evil I've done, the cross I bear, the burden of my violent past, heavy on my heart, and weighing deadly on my mind. So many horror stories to tell. Some folks don't think you should share things that happened in your past with the public. Why not? Where better to share the real you, than in a world of anonymity. None of you know the real me. You'll never know if what I say is true, or something I fabricated to fill in the blanks.
In this blog, I'll do my best to keep it as real as my memory allows. I need to let this out before it destroys me. This depression is too much to bare some days. I always say I'm ok. I want to be ok. Some days I am, some days I'm not, some days I wonder if I'll ever be ok. I just keep on keeping on. I don't want to check out anymore. That's what the belief in reincarnation does for the suicidal. It gives us reason to believe that if we kill ourselves, then that's an instant do-over.. Fuck that!
This life, with it's many blessings, was pretty shitty. I have nobody to blame but me though. I could have been different growing up. I could have gotten over some pretty fucked up shit. Other people do, and somehow manage to have a semi-normal life. Whatever the hell that is???
Anway, this is my personal soap box / thearapy session. Contribute with questions, or feedback if you will. Anything positive, or negative will be appreciated.
Thanks, Many Blessings,
Candy Godiva
